It has become shockingly obvious to me lately that I am in my third decade of life and I still am not sure how to fully accept a compliment from someone. That being said, below I offer my best analysis of the compliment, moving through the discomfort some of us have with compliments, and a few tips for giving compliments from a friend-proclaimed 'hype girl!'
What is a compliment, exactly?
A compliment: a polite expression of praise or admiration. Sounds innocent enough, right? Then why do certain compliments cause us to blush, deny them or render us momentarily speechless? Developing a timely verbal response in return to someone's compliment and fully embodying and accepting their compliment are two entirely different things. Secondly, not all compliments are created equal. We are all a product of our experiences and some compliments may be easier for us to accept than others. The attributes that we are most critical of in ourselves are usually the toughest ones to fully embody and accept.
Compliments can be direct or subtle, verbal and/or nonverbal, physical or not, and either genuine or possibly even manipulative in nature. Even learning to simply identify compliments requires complex language and social skills, not to mention learning to decipher the intentions of the giver.
How have we been taught to accept a compliment?
Let's talk about the progression of how we've been taught to handle a compliment:
When we are very young, we were coached by parents and adults to say "thank you," when someone tells us they like our cute outfit. While this is a compliment at a basic level, compliments are sometimes much more complicated than this.
In middle school, we are faced with people who say "you're pretty" and then when you try to execute that 'thank you' that you've been trained to say growing up, they follow up with, "...PRETTY...ugly!" (Like, how awful was childhood and adolescence in this way?)
By the time we reach high school and college we are often so incredibly self-conscious that we have learned to brush off compliments, not fully trusting that the person intended them meaningfully. We may say, "Oh stop, you're just saying that," or "are you kidding?! No way!" We, no doubt, get good at making the compliment-giver sometimes regret even offering such a kind sentiment through our elaborate attempts to evade the compliment.
We may develop a strategy to minimize the compliment. When someone comments that they like our new watch, we say, "Oh, this?! I've had this forever. It's so scratched and worn! I need to get a new one."
Wow, we are SO GOOD to ourselves, huh?
What do we do about this?
Now, some of us who have been exposed to a respectable number of self-help books may have learned that one tactic is to at least just respond to a compliment that we may not believe we are worthy of with a simple 'thank you.' Okay, here's a start, let's revert back to the first learned strategy we picked up as a child. How many times have we heard the phrase "just say thank you!" if we learn that we are quick to disregard one or aren't sure how to respond to a well intended compliment? It's a start. At least with this you've likely become AWARE that you struggle to fully accept compliments. You likely catch yourself real time and sputter out a 'thank you' in an only halfway sincere voice.
If you're someone that at least recognizes a meaningful compliment from a friend, stranger, or loved one, and responds with an appreciative, "thank you," START HERE:
Think about a moment where someone complimented you about something, whether that was a physical comment about your appearance, or a comment about your nature or maybe your work ethic. Ask yourself, do I FEEL that compliment deep in my heart or soul? Does this compliment resonate with me? Do I agree with this compliment? I've realized that the most meaningful compliments (to me) are those that show I am seen in the way that I want to portray myself in the world. For example, recently, someone said to me "you're such a warm person!" This comment spoke to my soul on a deep level as I felt that I was being seen in the way that I truly hope to present myself to the world. What a cherished, treasured compliment and wow, I held that one dearly. I felt a space in my chest swell with a mixture of pride, joy, and love at being told this
For the compliments that we struggle to accept and feel fully in our bodies, pause for a moment after you receive it. Stifle the need to immediately deny it or brush it off. Instead, take a deep breath, and feel the person's words. Take them in. Can you feel the truth in their words? Can you take ownership for even part of what they are complimenting you on?
What to say:
"Wow, I like how that feels! Thank you."
"I'm so glad to hear that you feel my efforts were worth it!"
"Thank you so much, that means a lot to me."
"Wow, really? That makes me feel really good."
"Thank you, this is something that is very meaningful to me. So I appreciate that greatly."
Additionally, start complimenting yourself more! If you hear it from yourself first, you may be more likely to accept compliments coming from others. Start using phrases like,
"I am really proud of myself right now,"
"I was proud of myself for ____."
"I really like how I look in this."
"I handled that really well."
"I am good at _____."
If you need help filling in the blanks above, what do your friends come to you for help with?
What have people complimented you on in the past? When do you feel proud? When do you feel like you can do anything?
How do I gift a compliment to someone?
Through the years many of us have become adept at theft, stealing from ourselves the pride that comes from being good at something, or being appreciated by someone. We have, instead, resorted to downplaying it, disregarding it, and denying it!
Consider something for me. I would venture to guess that the last time that you gifted someone a compliment, you truly meant it. A cornerstone of the human experience that I stand by on the daily is this: people are intuitive. They know when you're being genuine and when you're not. People can feel when you have time for them and when you do not. We are sincerity detectors.
When you give a compliment, be sincere, not only in your word choice, but your nonverbal expression. Does your facial expression and tone of voice match the level of sincerity you feel? Look at them during delivery of your message.
You have one job: you are now your friend, loved one's hype person. If you are their biggest cheerleader, you make lifting them up a priority.
If you know that historically your friend or loved one has a hard time accepting compliments, try rephrasing them. Make them specific. You might say, "I like how you ________. That turned out really nice!"
Start a compliment out with how you feel. The person can't argue with how YOU feel! I might say, "I feel really inspired by how much you've been trying new things lately. It's really incredible!"
I think that part of receiving compliments fully, is knowing that you are deserving of them. Accepting compliments will likely become easier when you see the value in yourself, and can appreciate the details behind the human that you have become.
Comments